UNRELATED
THE UNFINISHED WRITINGS OF E J KONTNY
I haven't discussed in detail my journey with learning and unlearning what race and racism look like in America for a couple reasons. Mainly because I'm still walking through it in such early stages and when you start this journey you quickly realize you need to be doing a lot more listening than talking/explaining. And secondly, because a white woman talking about her awakening to a world of privilege, oppression and systemic racism is not original and frankly not always helpful. But with that said, I would like to share a little bit about my background and how I got to where I'm at today.
I grew up in a white suburban bubble so a lot of my childhood experiences with racism did not directly confront me. Looking back I can see clear and obvious racism occurring at school and otherwise, but at the time I was blinded by my privilege. It wasn't until a few years ago (which I am extremely embarrassed that it took this long) that I woke up to the reality of white privilege. I had gotten really into podcasts and I came across a show from one of my favorite media groups, the podcast was Uncivil.
Uncivil was written and directed by two civil war research journalists who went out and uncovered some of the most heart wrenching stories of the civil war. And at the center of these stories were incredibly brave black lives. The podcast challenged what I learned in my history books and even proved some commonly held beliefs wrong! And the most eye opening part of the whole series was how the writers were able to tie it so clearly back to our current age.
It was in these moments that I started to feel frustrated at my own failed education. I began to realize how much credit had been taken from POC and then rewritten for the benefit of whites. How in some states, history books still tell a different story that minimizes and excludes important lived experiences specific to minority populations. I started to realize how much unlearning I had in front of me and that at the root of all this was a monster manipulator called white supremacy.
My worldview had been shattered in the best way. I realized that my lens of the world was so skewed and that the only way to understand it fully was to attempt to see it through other peoples eyes. I picked up my phone and searched my audiobook app for something that could divulge my discovery. To my surprise a NYT bestseller was available for check-out, someone who I'd never heard about until then, Ta-Nehisi Coates. And as I read "Between the World and Me" it broke me wide open to the experience of the oppressed in my own country is such a raw way. My heart ached for the pain of living in fear because of ones skin color. The anguish in Coates' voice as he warns his son of the world he is entering. The lack of hope he faces as generations of repeated terrorism from his own country filled his story and the story of his forefathers.
And so here I am just two short years along the journey, deciding to face my upbringing. Recognizing the fact that society groomed me to fear black and brown people. That it constantly framed them as criminals and threats with no discord. I have to actively fight this unconscious bias, because it's there whether I like it or not. And God forbid I ignore it and let it influence my decisions/actions. You see my first step in my journey wasn't to go protest the unjust systems (which I should) or to deny I have a racist bone in my body. No, my first step was to admit and face my own racism.
I'll leave it at that for now.
Go face yours.